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  • Agent Orange

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    Agent Orange: Stop the Flop


    The 25th volume of the Funk and Wagnalls dictionary defines ‘Sophistry’ as ‘the use of clever but false arguments, especially with the intention of deceiving’.

    The 1st edition of the Agent Orange dictionary defines ‘Flophistry’ as the ‘use of clever but false flopping with the intention of deceiving the NBL officiating crew’.

    It’s nothing new, it’s always existed wherever easily-duped whistle blowers could be found, but after declaring that the flop must stop this season, it is as prevalent as it is in D Grade Narcoleptic Italian soccer leagues.

    It’s a scourge the likes of which the league hasn’t seen since the tiny AFL shorts crisis of the 1980s (that much pasty upper leg is never acceptable).

    It ruins the game, it detracts from the spectacle, and it makes grown men look like those fainting goats.

    Just to make it worse, those proponents of the pratfall are always the most eager to challenge the calls of the refs who (rarely) don’t fall for their shenanigans.

    It’s ridiculous, from the post to the perimeter players are going down like papier mache Titanics. And there is a distinct difference between accentuating contact and acting like someone just dropped a megaton nuke into your underpants.

    Of course, the flophistocracy don’t wear all the blame; the refs are the ultimate arbiters of the performances.

    They fall for the theatrics almost every single time. Take last week’s New Zealand vs Melbourne United game, where Chris Goulding compiled an audition tape that Sir Patrick Stewart would envy but received no flop warning.

    Meanwhile, Mika Vikona, one of the toughest humans to not be named Chuck Norris, received a flop warning after being hit by a Mack truck.

    It’s not good enough, and really it has to start with the refs. They need to stop falling for it, or at least just fall for it in Perth like they used to.

    It’s a blight on the game, for old heads and new heads. If people want dramatic conflagration they can tune into Love Island like the rest of us! Stop the flop!