There are so many wonderful reasons we live in the paradise of Tropical North Queensland.
And then there's the wet season. A run of summer months that can feel like you're sitting in hell's waiting room.
For anyone who has survived a wet season in TNQ, this list's for you...
Need to beat the heat? Click here to check out our local's guide to the best swimming holes in Cairns.
1. Humidity = hair havoc
2. Post-shower confusion
Is this water? Is this sweat? Will I EVER be dry again?
3. %$#&! mossie coils
The wet season skies boom, not with thunder, but the roar of a thousand people cursing yet another failed separation of conjoined mossie coils. The volume amps up again five minute later, when we burn our calves on the smouldering shards we’d carefully balanced in the neck of an empty stubbie.
You will need powder.
5. Nope. You're gonna need more powder.
6. Bottleshop bedlam
What’s that? A gust of wind? IT’S CYCLONE PARTY TIME and the grogshop goes ga-ga with shelf-emptying frenzies and queues to next week. Get there too late and you’ll be stuck watching the trees bend with a mugful of the cooking sherry you keep under the sink.
7. Ditto for supermarkets
8. Can't stand the heat, get outta the kitchen
Except that you can’t, because you can’t cook in the pool. On muggy days, your kitchen rings to the sweet sound of creative obscenities: the $%*ing puff pastry melted two seconds out of the freezer! The ^@$# fan blew all the flour on the floor! The bread I bought yesterday is a melted green puddle of ^#$ slop! Thankfully, Zooper Doopers count as an acceptable wet season food group.
9. Shop so you don't drop
“Let’s go to Cairns Central” is citywide code for “let’s go suck up some free aircon”.
10. All hail the gales
The logical, sensible side in us knows cyclones are dangerous and destructive. Our absolutely bonkers thrill-seeking side, however, gets up for a boogey the moment we hear the magic words: “low pressure system developing in the Coral Sea…” And there’s no more stirring summer soundtrack than the BWAMP BWAMP BWAMP of the Standard Emergency Warning Signal.
11. Cabin fever
You never really understood why that guy in The Shining went insane just because he was stuck indoors with his family. Until now.
12. Everything. Is. Damp.
The laundry that’s been hanging on your line for three weeks flaps like soggy flags of failure. You won't use the dryer because your electricity bill is already sky-high due to pumping air-con 24-7. You give up caring about the soggy laundry. You wear damp clothes. You smell like mould.
13. Speaking of mould...
Your leather shoes have sprouted white polka dots, your car reeks and putting your hand into the fruit bowl is fraught with danger: there are few sensory horrors like accidentally plunging a finger into a mouldy orange.
14. Hot-to-trot crocs
It's crocodile breeding season. And that means our salties get snappy protecting their eggs and floods mean they can – and do – turn up anywhere. Fancy a stroll?
15. Astronomical aircon bills
If it was as cyclonic up here as insurance premiums suggest, we could just open the window and let those refreshing 180km/h breezes cool us down. But it’s not. Beware the postie bearing bills.
16. Terrible drivers
TNQ hoons are like Gremlins: just add water and they multiply.
17. ... and terrible umbrella carriers
While walking down a busy street in the Cairns CBD, please note that keeping yourself dry and not puncturing the cornea of the person beside you are not mutually exclusive concepts.
18. It's a jungle out there
You mowed the lawn! Well done! Look, a drop of rain! Your lawn is now 10 feet high. Go mow it again.
19. Pride before the (rain)fall
Friends down south: I’d love to live in Cairns but couldn’t bear the humidity in summer.
Us: Oh, what, this? Eight quadrillion per cent humidity? It’s fine. I’m fine. Sorry, I’ll have to call you back. My sweat just short-circuited the phone. But really. It’s fine.